If I ever turned invisible, I'd go to Paris and beat up a mime. The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing.
Twitter - Where stalkers are called followers and opinions are called replies.
I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?
If you’re going to be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an ass.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I never make the same mistake twice I make it five or six times just to be sure.
If your profile picture is a car, then I have no choice but to assume you’re a transformer.
“Page 404 not found.” But I wasn’t even looking for page 404
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I wish that instead of 140 characters, tweets would be limited to the persons IQ.
I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.
I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room...
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.
Vegetarians, if you love animals so much, why do you eat all of their food?
Whenever you're powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Someone told me I was immature....well guess who's not allowed in my treehouse anymore?
When I laugh at jokes on the internet I don't even laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.